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Fan Fiction

Title: Love is paradise
(Love has dropped by)
Author: Trang Le Thu
Genre: Romance
Started: 21. December 2001

© Trang Le Thu 2001/02
Disclaimer: This story is a purely fiction. Nothing here is true!! All Hawaii descriptions come from the internet and guide books.

PART 15

97% of you wanted Paddy to hear 'I love you' from Agnes... you got it. But in this part you'll see how hard it's to say it sometimes.

When Paddy awoke, he was surprised to see Agnes sitting by his bedside. Her head was down and she was reading intently from a large textbook. He thought twice about pretending to fall back asleep, for she hadn't looked up and noticed he was awake yet. She was too enthralled in her studying. But he knew a confrontation was inevitable, so he figured it was better to get it over with sooner than later.
"You're the last person I want to see right now." he muttered in disgust.
Agnes looked up, startled to see he was awake. She had replayed this day over in her head zillions of times, trying to figure out what she would say to him if fate ever happened to cross their paths again, but now that that day finally arrived, she was completely tongue-tied.
"I know" she replied quietly, not bothering to disagree, for his attitude and contempt were completely justifiable. "But I couldn't leave without talking to you."
"There's nothing to talk about."
"There isn't?" She clasped her trembling hands on top of her book.
"No." His voice trembled shakily, but he quickly covered it up. He'd be damned if he let her know just how completely heartbroken he still was, after all this time.
"You've been okay, then?" she asked bravely.
Paddy let out a sarcastic laugh.
"Why wouldn't I be okay? Did you think I was going to fall apart when you left? You didn't mean that much to me. Hell, it was a one week fling. Just a challenge. All I really wanted was to get you into bed."
"That's a lie." Agnes choked back a sob.
"Believe what you want." Paddy snapped, averting his gaze to the crack on the far wall. It was getting harder to maintain his front, for he could feel the tears welling up behind his eyes. He stubbornly fought them back with all his might.
"Look at me, Pad" Agnes pleaded softly. "And tell me that's not true."
Paddy ignored her request, trying to regain his composure and then finally turned around to face her. Those captivating blue eyes still held their enchanting power over him. He remembered back to the night he looked deep into those eyes and finally admitted he loved her. The memory was too overpowering and he broke down and cried right there in front of her, burying his shameful face in his hands.
"Please leave" he moaned hoarsely.
From the minute she had left Paddy up until the present, not a day had passed when she did not worry about how he was dealing. And now she was finally witnessing it for herself. His pain and sorrow were so real… more intense than she had ever imagined. Tears sprang to her eyes as well… tears of guilt and regret. 
"Paddy, I'm sorry!" she whispered, reaching out for his hand. "I'm so sorry. I love you. I never stopped."
Drying his eyes, he angrily swiped her hand away.
"Those are just empty words. They mean nothing to me."
"But they mean everything to me." Agnes contradicted him.
"So you'll sleep better at night?" he sneered, anger once again replacing his sorrow.
"You're not being fair."
"Fair!? What right do you have lecturing me about what's 'fair'!?!? Do you think leaving without so much as a goodbye or a fucking explanation was fair!?"
Agnes bowed her head shamefully and her flowing tears fell onto her open book, blurring the ink on the page.
"It was the worst decision I ever made!" she admitted quietly. "I would give anything to take it back."
"Well, isn't that noble of you." he spat back. "Too bad life doesn't work that way."
Agnes stood up in defeat and slowly gathered up her books into her bag. She didn't really know what she had hoped to accomplish by seeing Paddy tonight. Forgiveness? Closure? A second chance? Whatever it was, he certainly wasn't allowing any of them. And she couldn't blame him at all.
When she reached the door, she paused, and turned back to him one last time.
"I'm sorry, Paddy." she whispered again, longing for his mercy.
"I am too!" he replied icily, staring blankly up at the TV which he had turned on in defiance. "Sorry that I ever met you."
His harsh words tore painfully through her heart and she fled from the room with tears streaming down her face, too emotional to even remember to ask him about the necklace.

When Agnes left, Paddy shut off the TV and broke down and cried. Had he been too cruel? Too unforgiving?? No. Nothing could compare to the cruelty of her leaving him without so much as a goodbye. He had pined for her for seven months straight, and his life had been torn inside and out as a result. Did she really expect three little words like 'I love you' would make up for an eternal heartbreak? Yet after all this time, she still possessed him. She had been his first love… and still remained his only love.

(One week later)
Chewing on her pen distractedly, Agnes forced herself to focus on the diagram of the cranial nerves' pathways through the brain. Who cared about nerves?? She certainly didn't. It didn't mean a thing to her especially when Paddy was sitting in the hospital two blocks away and wanted absolutely nothing to do with her anymore.
Midterms were a week and half away and the workload was becoming frighteningly large. But with each passing day, Agnes kept falling farther and farther behind. Her passion for school had waned into a sort of resigned apathy as learning became more of a chore than an adventure. 
There was nothing on her mind but Paddy. Even though she had wanted to, she did not return to the hospital after his harsh dismissal of her last week. Like a coward she shied away, trying to convince herself it was for the best. Sighing in frustration, she slammed the book shut and laid her head down on top of it.
It was a lazy Saturday morning, and she was trying to take advantage of the quiet apartment to get some studying done. Ann had spent the night at Mike's place and whereas Agnes used to embrace the solitary time alone, she now despised the eerie silence for it was only distracting her more than Ann ever would have.
She grabbed the remote to her CD player and defiantly pushed the play button, turning the volume up a few extra notches. But nothing could turn her thoughts away from Paddy.
She wanted so badly to run back to the hospital and confess her undying love for him. Even though it most likely would not change his attitude towards her, she felt he deserved to know the truth. But she didn't think she was strong enough to face another harsh outburst. It had torn her heart to pieces when she heard him speak those hateful things with such venom in his voice.
The sweet, carefree, happy go lucky boy whom she had fallen in love with over the summer had died. All that remained was a hard, cynical, stone-cold shell of a man. And only she herself was to blame for that sad transformation.

A knock on the door jolted Agnes out of her heavy thoughts. She wiped her eyes and immediately got up to answer it, welcoming the interruption. 
Of all the people who could have come visiting on a Saturday morning, it was the last person Agnes ever expected… or deserved to see.
He was leaning against the doorframe, his weight supported by crutches.
"Hi" he mumbled quietly. "Did I wake you?"
It took a few minutes for the initial shock to wear off and for Agnes to find her voice.
"Not at all. I was just studying." She stepped away from the door, motioning for him to come inside.
He limped clumsily past her and into the apartment.
"Are you supposed to be walking on that knee so soon?" she asked in concern.
"That's what the crutches are for." Paddy snapped back sarcastically.
On his way over, he had tried to convince himself to be a little more civil towards Agnes, but it was just too difficult. Because if he didn't take the anger approach, he'd end up wanting to forgive her and to make her part of his life again. It was so much easier to be angry. Agnes grabbed the remote to shut off the CD player.
"Don't!" he said, stopping her. "I like this CD."
Instead of putting the remote back down on the table, she twirled it around in her trembling hands.
"So the surgery went well then?" she asked nervously, trying to make small talk. Meanwhile, her mind was racing with possible reasons why he would have come back to see her.
Paddy shrugged apathetically.
"As well as it could. I'm still stuck with these damn things for a month, though."
Agnes motioned to the couch. 
"Sit down at least. Get your weight off it for a bit."
"I can't stay long." Paddy said as he laid his crutches against the arm of the sofa and carefully sat down. "Our bus leaves in a half hour."
"Where are you going?" Agnes asked, trying to hide her disappointment at his leaving the city. Even though they had not spoken throughout the whole week, it had still been a sort of a false comfort knowing he was so close by.
"Home."
She nodded silently, suddenly at a loss for words.
"How did you know where to find me?"
"Dr. Brown had you on his file… I talked to him the other day… sort of explained why you reacted the way you did when you saw me."
"You didn't have to do that." Agnes said, surprised by his thoughtful effort.
Paddy shrugged casually, pretending it was no big deal.
"It just wasn't fair for him to think you were some kind of airhead. I'm sure you would have belted out that answer if it had been anyone else lying in that bed."
Agnes nodded and smiled faintly, suddenly getting all choked up inside. Maybe she had been wrong about his transformation. Even after all this time and all the heartache she had caused him, he was still showing faint signs of the same Paddy she had fallen in love with.
"Thank you." Her voice cracked as she spoke.
"Forget it." he said a little too sharply, for he saw her flinch as if wounded by his apathy. When she didn't respond, he asked quietly. "So are you still with Scott?"
Agnes didn't answer his question right away. Instead, she responded with one of her own, one she had been pondering for months.
"Why did you tell him we slept together?"
"Because we did." Paddy's heart ached at the painful reminder of how wonderful it had felt to hold Agnes in his arms.
"Not the way you made it sound."
"I was angry. I wanted to hurt you!" he admitted smugly. "Get back at you for hurting me."
"But it only made things easier." Agnes shook her head in disagreement.
Paddy looked at her in confusion until she explained.
"I was planning on ending it with Scott as soon as I got back from Frankfurt, and your visit made it a lot easier because he broke it off with me first."
"So you let him believe it was true, then?"
"Yeah, I guess I did." Agnes nodded slowly.
"Why?"
"I honestly don't know. I guess because it seemed like the perfect ending to the fairy tale week."
Paddy didn't respond for awhile. He stared out the window silently, deep in thought, dying to ask the question that had been killing him for months. Finally he found the courage to blurt it out.
"If you didn't have any intention of staying with Scott, why did you leave me, then?"
"Because I thought it would be best for both of us." That was what she had believed at the time, but she soon realized the hard way that she had been wrong.
"Bullshit!" he spat back angrily. "You were just too scared and too damn proud."
"We lead two completely different lives, Paddy. I kept telling myself it would have never worked out."
"You didn't care enough to even give it a try."
"I'm a coward, you're right. I was just scared of getting hurt in the end."
"Looks like I was the one who got hurt instead."
"I'm sorry."
"You've said that already. And I said it doesn't mean anything to me."
"Why did you come back to see me then?" Agnes asked, trying not to harbor a false sense of hope.
"The same reason you stopped in to the hospital. Closure. Right?"
No. Because she had wanted to tell him she was still in love with him and wanted a second chance. But she held her tongue and shrugged listlessly.
"OK. So let's 'close' things then." Paddy spoke tersely when she didn't respond. He stared at her blankly, waiting for her to speak.
"I wanted to know if you'll forgive me." Agnes whispered humbly.
It seemed like an eternity before he answered.
"I really don't know right now… maybe in time."
Agnes nodded slowly, accepting his honesty.
"And I want to know if you ever really loved me." Paddy asked bravely, fearing the answer. "Or was it all just an act?"
"Everything I said and did was for real, Pad."
"But you never said you loved me." he persisted. "You never spoke those words."
"I said it once in the hospital, and you didn't believe it. I didn't say it when we were together, but it doesn't mean I didn't feel them."
"If you say so." Paddy shrugged apathetically.
That wasn't the response he had been hoping for. From the emotional state Agnes was in when he had last seen her, he would have expected her to drop to her knees, confess her undying love and beg for a second chance. And in a way, it was what he was hoping she would do. But she still remained her old stubborn and proud self, hardened by the trials and stresses of med school. She couldn't even admit to ever loving him.

He stood up in defeat and awkwardly hobbled over to his crutches. Agnes just watched him in desperation, not knowing what to say or do to keep him there. All she knew was that she couldn't let him leave. There was so much she needed to say, but for some reason, the words would just not come out the way she wanted them to.
"Did you ever really love me?" she asked quietly.
"I already told you. It was only a play to get you into bed." he answered sharply, limping his way over to the door. "Then you would have had your fairy tale ending."
"That's not true, Pad. Tell me that's not true." Agnes choked back a sob.
Paddy could feel the tears brimming in his eyes and he turned away from her shamefully. He knew he had to get out of there and fast, because he could feel himself weakening by the minute. He was dying to sweep her into his arms and smother her with kisses. But he could not give in. He would only be letting himself fall vulnerable to getting hurt again.
"I have to go." he said icily and tried to push his way past her, but she was blocking the door.
"Please don't!" she whispered desperately. She was dying to blurt out that she still loved him and never stopped, but her mouth went dry and she couldn't speak.
"We had our chance, Agnes, but fate wasn't on our side!" he replied, his voice unsteady. "Like you said, you have your new life now and I have mine. We just weren't meant to be." 
"What about the necklace?" Agnes asked frantically, desperately grasping at straws now. Her eyes flew to his neck, but this time it was naked. The beads were gone. "I saw you wearing it… in the hospital. You kept it, Pad, all this time, and you wore it. I saw you!"
Paddy reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the beads.
"I was waiting for the day I'd see you again to give it back!" he said quietly. Holding out his hand, he dropped the necklace into Agnes's palm. 
Agnes shook her head stubbornly.
"No. I wanted you to keep it." she said, trying to hand the necklace back to him. "That's why I gave it to you."
"I don't want it anymore. It's nothing but a painful reminder of that heartbreaking week." Paddy refused to take it back.
"It was the best week of my life." Agnes admitted in a barely audible whisper.
"Of course it was!" Paddy spat back, a little too harshly. "You got some booty from Paddy Kelly. I'm sure it did wonders for your self-esteem."
"That's not it at all, Paddy." she protested, hurt that he would even think such a thing.
He had almost reached the door. He was so close to leaving without breaking down, but she was making it so hard for him.
"So then what was it?" he asked, his voice cracking unsteadily. "If it was the best week of your life, how could you just walk away from it so casually?"
"I've been asking myself that question every day for the past 7 months."
"The past is the past!" he replied bitterly. "No point dwelling on it because it can't be changed."
"But the future can."
Paddy looked at her in surprise, confused by her cryptic words. Was she hinting that she wanted a second chance? If so, why didn't she just come right out and admit it? Because even after all this time, she was still too damn proud and self-righteous.
"I don't have the time to stand here and play mind games with you, Agnes!" he said angrily. "What do you want from me?"
Looking up into his emotionless eyes, Agnes's heart trembled as she struggled to find the right words. 'Just say it,' an inner voice desperately urged her. But she wasn't strong enough.
Tears sprang to her eyes as she shook her head in indecision, shrugging helplessly.
"I don't know, Pad!" she whispered. "I don't know…"
'Just say it,' he silently implored her.
"I guess… I just wish that things… had turned out differently."
"Me too, but what's done is done." he said abruptly. "I have to go."
His words sunk in with a kind of quiet resignation.
"So this is goodbye, then?" Agnes asked sadly, looking up at him through teary eyes.
Paddy nodded silently and she reluctantly stepped away from the door, allowing him to pass.
"Good luck with school." he mumbled quietly as he walked past her, head down. He couldn't bear to look at her anymore, for if he did, he knew he'd surrender.
"Paddy… " Agnes pleaded again, as she helplessly watched him disappear down the hall. But Paddy continued walking, refusing to look back.
Agnes felt a sudden surge of panic rising up in her chest. She needed to stop him. She couldn't let him leave. But her feet remained glued to the floor and her mouth went dry. She was frozen in fear and indecision. It wasn't until she heard the front door slam shut downstairs that she collapsed to the floor in anguish, realizing she just lost the one person who meant the world to her.
"I love you, Paddy" she finally managed to whisper through her tears as she began to sob uncontrollably. "I've never stopped."
Truthful words. But unfortunately spoken too late.

Paddy paused with his back to the door, unable to will himself to move forward. He didn't think it was possible for his heart to break any more than it already had, but the suffocating pain in his chest proved him wrong. The temptation to turn around and run back inside to Agnes was overpowering him. It would be so easy… But they just weren't mean to be.
He had blown up at Johnny for saying those exact same words 7 months ago, but now he reluctantly believed in them. There was no other explanation for how things turned out.
"I love you Agnes." he whispered through his tears as he began to cry silently. "I've never stopped." But it was time to move on.
Even if it took a lifetime to get over Agnes, he knew he would love again. Not right away of course, but in time eventually when his wounds had healed and when being close to another girl did not haunt him with bittersweet memories of his first true love.
"That's how love works." he told himself. "It's an emotional roller coaster with an infinite number of ups and downs, highs and lows. You just have to pick up the pieces and move on."
It took all of his strength to get moving again. As he limped down the street on his crutches, he paused to put on his shades to hide his teary eyes. Then he began to sing along with a song from his heart…

I will love again
Though my heart is breaking I will love again
Stronger than before
I will love again
Even if it takes a lifetime to get over you
Heaven only knows
I will love again
If I'm true to myself
Nobody else can take the place of you
But I've got to move on
Tell me what else can I do?
I will love again
Though my heart is breaking I will love again
Stronger than before
I will love again
Even if it takes a lifetime to get over you
Heaven only knows
I will love again…

Disappointing, huh? Sorry!! Lately I'm quite busy with school stuff and I have no more ideas to go on this story. However, everything is possible!! If you have any ideas for storylines, let me know. I'll try to write on :).
Well, I hope you enjoyed this story. Thanks for voting and the awesome reviews! You are the best!!!!